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Oct. 26th, 2004

Hobbes

The Nature of Attraction

Talk about confusing... why am I attracted to who I'm attracted to? why am I attracted to so many people, and so many I probably shouldn't be attracted to at all? *sigh*

I wasn't that good at this in my mid-teens and and twenties, and I don't know how much of a mess I'm making now in my mid-thirties. I guess need to expierence some of this before I can truly move on and maybe find what I am looking for. It is just hard at times to have bits of feelings for so many different people. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions at the same time... I don't know which is right, and I'm not used having more than one outlet for these feelings. Not that I really have anything other than fledgling feelings for any of these people, but it is still weird. I'm thinking I need to embrace the good and the bad and go with the flow for a while...

For a guy who is used to loyalty and fidelity, it's a bit of a crisis of conscience. But, hell, I don't even really know how most of these other people even feel... have to have some fun, and not manage to use or be used in the process. It is a challenge... but one I am going to have to make at least a try at.

I really hope this makes some kind of sense and is not just the random babbling of a sleep (etc.) deprived wacko. Well, off to try to sleep... I feel a little better now that I've gotten some of that babbling out of my head and onto the screen, and isn't that what really matters?
Hobbes

Being a lemming can be interesting...

wolf
Your soul is bound to the Second Totem, Luna:
The Wolf
.

Luna appears as a pair of coral colored wolves.
She embodies empathy, nurturing, insight,
and warmth
. She is associated with the
color coral, the season of spring, and the
element of wind. Her downfall is pathos.

You are most compatible with Doves and Ravens.


Which Animal Spirit Totem Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Oct. 20th, 2004

Hobbes

Something I got a real kick out of tonight...

Well, I bought LaunchCast Plus (the premium version of the radio service on Yahoo! Messanger) yesterday... and it was such a good investment already... the Adult Alternative New Releases station is nice to go to sleep to, the New School Punk gave me a warm happy feeling... can't wait to see what I discover next...

Well, I heard a song early this evening on the AA station, the song had a catchy tune and I wasn't really listening to the words... the same song came on not too long ago and I actually heard the lyrics and was amused and touched at the same time. I think I know just a little better what I actually want in a realationship... I want something like this:

Liz Phair—Favorite

Don't look sexy but it just feels right
Not too dirty and it's not too tight
Why I never threw it out, I'll never know exactly why

Keep it in the drawer beside my bed
It's faded pink now, but it used to be red
Starting to fray at the seams, but I know that you'll still love me
Like you did, like you did
Like before, like before
Like we will, like we will
Be doin' it once more

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it
Oh baby know how you feel?
You feel like my favorite underwear
And I'm slipping you on again tonight

Leave you lyin' on the bedroom floor
I leave you hangin' on the bathroom door
Take you for granted, but I'll always know exactly where you are

Lost you once you were hard to find
Got you back you didn't live like mine
Thought we were falling apart but you make me feel so pretty
Like you did, like you did
Like before, like before
Like we will, like we will
Be doin' it once more

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it
Oh baby know how you feel?
You feel like my favorite underwear
And I'm slipping you on again tonight
Slipping you on again tonight
Wrap me and roll me, hold me tight
Tear me apart and make me new
Like you always do

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it

You feel you're like this is what I want
You feel, you feel

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it

You feel you're like this is what I want
You feel, you feel

Slipping you on again tonight

Tags: ,

Oct. 18th, 2004

Hobbes

Why the fuck am I still awake?

Here we are at 3 something in the morning and I'm still not asleep... I swear, I want to feel good about myself. I want to not put myself down, but every time I try it seems that I get kicked in the face again. I need to make some changes, and I have got to stop living like this. But how?

I feel more lost now than I did 21, and I don't know how to fix it. Well, sitting here staring at this monitor and half-dozing won't get me anywhere... Hope everyone else has a good night...

Sep. 7th, 2004

Hobbes

The Curse...

I am under a curse.

You might laugh. You might say to me, "Ku, what are you thinking? What short-circuited in your brain tonight that makes you think you're cursed? Aren't curses hogwash anyway? And why the hell are you up at this hour writing about curses?"

Well, let me explain. My ex seems to have no end of luck with the opposite sex, they are crawling out of the woodwork for her. And, while I might think that some of the process she is going through is dubious at best, the fact of the success remains.

Then, there is me. I don't think I will be using the same methods, just isn't me. But I've approached a few women, and gotten shot down horribly... not too surprising, I am not well-practiced in dating techniques. After spending most of the last decade with my ex, that's only logical. Also, I am not what a lot of people consider traditionally attractive. I have an okay face, some very nice eyes and lashes, but I am a big man... offensive lineman type big. Not exactly easy finding women who like that sort of build.

Oh, but I've found several... now you're really saying, "What the hell? I thought this was about being cursed, where is the curse?" Well, there is a catch to the women and there really are more than I ever imagined. They're as young as 20 and well, we'll just say there's a decent range, I don't want to offend any of my friends. They come from all walks of life, have different values, interests, outlooks on life. Not so different from mine as to be incompatible, in fact most of them I could see myself becoming quite attracted to.

But, yes, that is a big but they all have 2 things in common:

  1. They all think very highly of me for some reason. I am at a loss to understand why they think the way that they do, but I am also terribly thankful that I have found people who give me this positive mental energy, and care for my well being. I would not have made the steps I have made to date without them. For that, they have my eternal gratitude.
  2. And here is the bad news... they are all in relationships. It seems that they are all mostly happy, as well. Something I am grateful for on their behalf. But that makes them off-limits for anything other than friendship.

In the end, is friendship so bad? I suppose not, but it is cold consolation when I am in my bed, trying to sleep, feeling so very alone. Just wishing for one night, where you are held and you feel safe. Knowing that if the nightmares come, there is someone that will soothe you back to sleep with a word or a touch, that there is safety here and you will come to no harm.

I am not complaining about my friends, I am blessed and lucky to have them. I pray that they sleep well and their lives are filled with joy and happiness.

I will be here, dying into daylight, fighting through the night to another day.

Aside to self: That closing line has poetry written all over it, how's about getting off your ass and finishing the thought some time?

Aug. 29th, 2004

Hobbes

My Personal Bridge of Death: Everyone gets three questions.

Okay, credit where credit is due, the_debris came up with this idea. I gave him three questions, and now I am giving everyone the same opportunity to do the same for me.

So? Do I have any bridgekeepers out there? Ask me your questions... I'm not afraid!

Hobbes

Tarot Reading

Well, I was talking to a good friend online this morning, and she mentioned that she did tarot readings. Thinking that that might shed some light on the jumbled mess that is my life, I asked her for a reading and here is what she said:

Your mindset is in turmoil. You're on a very bad plane. All you can think about is love and the torment it can cause. Your environment is good, meaning you're in a good healing environment. Though you're living your life has a hermit.

Everything comes in threes, so one more bad thing could happen before things turn around. In the end you will overcome your obstacles and whatever is tormenting you will be resolved.

All in all pretty scary, I thought... sounds like it was ripped from my head by force. Don't know what else to say at the moment.

Aug. 25th, 2004

Hobbes

Once more with feeling...

Well, the title seems to make it sound like I've done this before... which I haven't, at least not in a form like this, and definitely not as regularly as I plan to do this.

My goal? Hell if I really know... I just know that I'm really not quite sure who I am, where I am going, and what I want to do with my life. Maybe this will help me, maybe someone who reads this (or one of the entries to come) will help me, maybe this will just end up being one, sad comedic rant. No matter what happens, I'm sure it will be at least mildly entertaining, as my life always seems to be (especially to others).

Good reading to all, and good luck to me... I'm going to need it.

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