I am under a curse.
You might laugh. You might say to me, "Ku, what are you thinking? What short-circuited in your brain tonight that makes you think you're cursed? Aren't curses hogwash anyway? And why the hell are you up at this hour writing about curses?"
Well, let me explain. My ex seems to have no end of luck with the opposite sex, they are crawling out of the woodwork for her. And, while I might think that some of the process she is going through is dubious at best, the fact of the success remains.
Then, there is me. I don't think I will be using the same methods, just isn't me. But I've approached a few women, and gotten shot down horribly... not too surprising, I am not well-practiced in dating techniques. After spending most of the last decade with my ex, that's only logical. Also, I am not what a lot of people consider traditionally attractive. I have an okay face, some very nice eyes and lashes, but I am a big man... offensive lineman type big. Not exactly easy finding women who like that sort of build.
Oh, but I've found several... now you're really saying, "What the hell? I thought this was about being cursed, where is the curse?" Well, there is a catch to the women and there really are more than I ever imagined. They're as young as 20 and well, we'll just say there's a decent range, I don't want to offend any of my friends. They come from all walks of life, have different values, interests, outlooks on life. Not so different from mine as to be incompatible, in fact most of them I could see myself becoming quite attracted to.
But, yes, that is a big but they all have 2 things in common:
- They all think very highly of me for some reason. I am at a loss to understand why they think the way that they do, but I am also terribly thankful that I have found people who give me this positive mental energy, and care for my well being. I would not have made the steps I have made to date without them. For that, they have my eternal gratitude.
- And here is the bad news... they are all in relationships. It seems that they are all mostly happy, as well. Something I am grateful for on their behalf. But that makes them off-limits for anything other than friendship.
In the end, is friendship so bad? I suppose not, but it is cold consolation when I am in my bed, trying to sleep, feeling so very alone. Just wishing for one night, where you are held and you feel safe. Knowing that if the nightmares come, there is someone that will soothe you back to sleep with a word or a touch, that there is safety here and you will come to no harm.
I am not complaining about my friends, I am blessed and lucky to have them. I pray that they sleep well and their lives are filled with joy and happiness.
I will be here, dying into daylight, fighting through the night to another day.
Aside to self: That closing line has poetry written all over it, how's about getting off your ass and finishing the thought some time?